1/10/08

Well, that was the most awkward lunch hour of my life. I never figured myself to be the one with issues, but apparently, I complain too much. Jen just gave me the tough love talk, I'm not sure it helped...

Let me explain...

I need to vent. And it seems I have a lot to vent about. The last time I vented this much, it was into a journal after my second break-up two years ago. And my God, was that a good vent.

I basically bought a journal and tore into it all the frustrations, pains, joys, hate, and guilt I usually unloaded on my friends. It was a wiser choice, considering the fact that a lot of my friends were becoming greatly angered and frustrated with me.

My personal question is, why am I so angry, obsessed, frustrated? Am I getting laid enough? No... maybe that's it. But getting laid only creates more issues to unload about. No... it's something else.

I want to PAINT. I want to paint, and become the best painter I can be. Better than all those who make me insanely jealous on ConceptArt.org. And in ORDER to paint, I need three things:

1) Time - This is probably the most important. Even for digital painting in Photoshop, there is a great need to sit down for endless hours to just express away. I never get time, and it's pissing me off, big time.

2) Space - I need a place for work, for inspiration, for quiet contemplation or music. My room is about 50 percent this. While it holds as a great place to get inspiration, it is not condusive to spreading out and getting comfortable for work. It is NOT devoid of interruptions from parents, friends, the dog...

3) Energy - In order to create energy, one must spend it. Exercise is an excellent conduit for creating energy, it builds energy. Do I ever exercise? I used to. I don't seem to muster enough gusto to do it now, and I'm not sure why. This is a problem. When I want to work, I am always exhausted, simply because I don't get enough exercise...

So in this, I think the real issue is getting exercise. I am by no means overweight, just lethargic. It's a matter of getting up and doing it, which is the hardest part. Why do I hesitate? I don't like dealing with the after effects of exercise, the shower, the sweating, the aching body, the gasping for air... yet somehow I always feel better afterward, and I forget this. I feel good after because it feels like I accomplished something, that I'm actually doing something positive. WHY IS THIS NOT MOTIVATION ENOUGH TO DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?

Well...I guess it's because I don't seem to have enough time, or space...